The below is a note I posted on Facebook last February. I don't feel like much I have posted on this blog has been able to truly express how I'm feeling about this trip. I think my thoughts were accurately expressed with this note...at least my thoughts from February. :)So I don't blog...I don't usually write. But after the recent series of events in my life, I had the desire to write about some things.
All day today, the date seemed familiar. Every time I looked at my phone, every time I wrote it down at work...there was just something about it. February 11th...February 11th...I knew there was meaning to this date, but I couldn't place it. It wasn't until talking to Kristy on the drive home it occured to me: One year ago, we opened that awful store in Thompson's Station. Well...not ALL awful. :)
It got me thinking about a year ago. My priorities a year ago. My vision for my future a year ago. It's funny remembering what I was wrapped up in and what I saw as important. There were a whole lot of appearances there...I mean, I was important, right? I was in the paper, right? Like whoo-hoo, look at me everybody! It's hilarious really...so let's imagine someone had told me a year ago (I know...this scenario is so cliche. But sometimes I feel like we all live in cliches) what my life would look like February 11th, 2010.
- You won't be working for Kroger. (?????????) You will have JUST started a new full-time job. Hey, by the way it's M-F 9-5...on 21st Ave...
- you'll be preparing for a trip to Ukraine this summer...yes, your *second* trip to Ukraine...
-Hey, guess what! You're back in school! Pursuing a Masters in...wait for it...wait for it...EDUCATION!! Like to be a teacher...with children!
- And my personal favorite: You're living in Springfield at HOME!!!! (biggest surprise!!)
So it's safe to say things have changed. My priorities have changed. I'm living a completely different life than I was. I guess what I've been thinking about and *remembering* is how I got here. Hanging out with those kids across the globe changed me. Not only entering into a tiny slice of their lives, but being forced to let go. Let go of my expectations and grip of control on my life. Realize I CANNOT do this on my own. I need the Lord. I need my community. My strength is never enough. So I came home. And knew I couldn't do it anymore.
It's a scary feeling. Realizing the future you've mapped out for yourself isn't really your future at all. It's not even close. Realizing all the "plans" you've made aren't going to happen. You feel initially like a failure. I wasn't one of 'those' people. I had it all figured out. Work my way up the ladder, acquire husband and 2.5 kids along the way...piece o' cake. So how do I reconcile that when nothing is what I thought it was. How is it I'm stuck in a job I hate that makes me into a person I know I am not? Was this the plan?
Thankfully, it was a part of His plan. But *now* is a part of His plan too. And I wake up every morning completely blown away by the blessing in my life. I have no words to express the joy in my life. The contentment and peace He has given me. It's a beautiful thing to let go. To live in the freedom we're meant to live in. What a beautiful thing it is to see God's purpose and plan in your life! And to know even when it doesn't make sense, He's working. Even when it feels like you're not making a difference, He's working.
I found out today I am going to be able to return to Ukraine this summer. It was a miracle to get off at a grocery store on the 4th of July last year...and an equal miracle to get off at a new job at Vandy this year. So I know I'm meant to be there. For whatever reason, I'm meant to travel back to my dear friends at camp and spend time with them. It's easy for me to apply this "purpose" to the big things like Ukraine, but I'm trying to find perspective and understand there's purpose in all that I am and do. There's purpose in living at home, there's purpose in spending 6 years at Kroger, there's purpose in all of it.
I remember this one morning in the Fall of 2004. I was commuting to Lipscomb and was late to class. It was pouring down rain, traffic was awful and I had Statistics at 8am. I trudged into Swang soaking wet, frustrated, and embarrassed to slide into my seat 30 minutes late. At that moment, in my frustration, I made the decision to find a way to afford to live on campus. The months following found me moving onto campus and meeting Jackie, a now dear friend. She introduced me to April, now one of my closest friends. The three of us visited Midtown about a year later. Midtown brought with it change in my life. New ideas, new friends, eventually a trip to Ukraine. Guidance from friends letting me know it's OK to quit your job. :) Wise advice helping me to seek the Lord's will in my life. And that's brought me here. So I think about that morning in 2004. My immaturity in frustration. And I'm sure completely oblivious to seeing any good in the situation. Letting the petty things ruin my day. :) I'm glad that day was ruined and I'm glad it was a piece to the journey I have found myself on. I'm excited that years from now, I know this season of my life will lead to the next chapter of the journey. I'm ready.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20
"Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this" Psalm 37:4,5
